My Hero

Okay, this is a guy we all want to party with. Alcoholic... like a fox! Totally my hero. On the opposite side of the spectrum...

Saw The Bravery at Northsix on Saturday. Meh. I mean, just look at these guys...



The show was good, despite the fact that they only played about seven fucking songs... and one of them contained the lyric, "Stop, drop, and roll/'cause you're on fire." I mean puh-leez. The drummer was great, the keyboard player had a cool beer-chugging thing going on (probably could've saved himself from an avalanche), the guitarist looked exactly like Freddie Mercury, and the bassist wants to be Paul Simonon when he grows up... which is perfectly understandable. The lead singer, however, is totally one of those guys; women think his face just screams "make out with me," and guys think his face just screams "punch me really hard." He was rocking this Misfits-era-Danzig-meets-Morrissey look, which sounds cool, but so wasn't. I dunno... he just bothered me. Anyway, they sounded great and Bacardi and I will definitely be adding them to our Low-Life rotation. But I do not like that guy.

Speaking of Morrissey, my review of David Bret's Morrissey: Scandall & Passion went to my editor today. The book is about as good as its title... not very. Still, I would recommend it to any massive Moz fan because it really gets into a lot of the old-school movie stars, musicians, and gay icons that St. Mozzy references all the time. Also, the single/bootleg discography is tote gnarls.

**BRAVERY MOCKERY UPDATE: Even the chicks that are supposed to love these guys are turning against them! Superfun DJ and chronic cheekbone whore KarenPlusOne openly mocked them at the show.

La troisième fois c'est la bonne

Once again, the management wishes to thank those of you who braved last night's sub-arctic temperatures and came to Rififi for the third installment of Low-Life. All reports indicate that every single one of us is nursing a mind-devouring hangover today, but it was totally worth it. The nothing-but-80s-new-wave experiment went off without a hitch, and everyone semed to be enjoying themselves [too much]. The surprise of the night? "In a Big Country" got a more enthusiastic response than "Sunglasses at Night."

Speaking of the nightlife, this article from the New York Post is really depressing. Luna Lounge is closing and yucky people are taking over the Lower East Side. Okay, only the former can be considered news, but it's still a bummer. Also, as you have probably gleaned from the big headlines on the cover of every trashy NYC paper, an actress was shot to death last night at the corner of Clinton and Rivington. How do I know she was an actress? Because every single headline says so. What if she had been a plumber*? Would today's Daily News have proclaimed, "Aspiring plumber shot and killed on Lower East Side?" Is her death somehow more tragic because she was just one audition away from that guest shot on Desperate Housewives?

I *heart* the internets. This morning we were wondering how to spell "Kemo Sabe." In roughly 1.6 seconds, we knew the correct spelling and a ton of other interesting and useless information. Also, a four-disc Stereolab boxed set is coming out. Learning (and being a consumer) is FUN-damental!

Finally, thanks to Lindsayism for the five seconds of blog-lebrity. Fame is nearly as intoxicating as chasing crystal meth with ether. ["The Faces of Meth" link via Lindsayism.com]

*BONUS ACTIVITY!!
Name the movie:
"Ray, this is 1987. Do you know that a girl can be whatever she wants to be?"
"I know, my mom's a plumber."
"That explains a lot about you, Ray."

First person to get the correct answer receives a miniscule elevation of their self-esteem.

Hi, My Name Is New York City, and I'm an Alcoholic

This just in: the besotted denizens of New York City spend their weekends tippling! That's right... some genius in the City Health Department had to do a study in order to determine that people living in a town wherein the bars remain open until 4:00 A.M. tend to binge drink. Really? Next you're gonna tell me that Chicago residents tend to eat more sausage on average.

Apparently Greenwich Village and Chelsea are the drunkest, but those stroller-pushing lesbos in Park Slope are close behind! Don't they know it's unsafe to drink and adopt?? As an admitted (and semi-pro) binge drinker, I salute the pan-racial, pan-gender communion offered by our collective drinking problem. Now we just have to ask ourselves the burning question...



The management is happy to provide you with the following self-diagnostic questionnaire to help determine whether you are a problem drinker.

1. Before going out to drink, do you frequently have a few beers (and/or cocktails) in order to "save money at the bar?"

2. Do you know the weekly schedule of drink specials at your local watering hole?

3. Does your name appear on any plaques/trophies/banners in this establishment? Are any house specialties named after you?

4. In the past year, have you woken up in bed with someone you'd never met before the previous evening?

5. In the past year, have you woken up in bed with someone you had no memory of meeting the previous evening?

6. The DJ played a song you like. Did you yell "Fucking awesome!!"?

7. After a night out, does the following day typically begin with an "eye opener" or "hair of the dog"? An old-style raw egg and ice bag on the head? Sunset? Shepishly discharging yourself from the hospital? A bail hearing? Frantic attempts to say, "I am an American and I need to get home" in Spanish/French Canadian?

8. Couldn't you use a stiff drink right about now?

If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, you are, at the very least, a problem binge drinker. The shame should dissipate in a few moments. If the shame persisits, two to three cocktails should drive the shame away. If you don't live in New York City, you should move there immediately. If you do, please contact the management immediately. I'm not doing anything tonight, and Barcade has 25-cent video games and $4 pints of Yeungling.

Four More Years... OF WORSHIPPING SATAN!!!

"The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of
liberty in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the
prince of neverending darkness!!! SIX SIX SIX!!!"

That's right, the whole born-again Christian angle was just jive. Dubya, Jenna, Barbara, Laura... when the First Family gathers around the dinner table, the centerpiece is the severed head of a goat and Jenna's doing shooters of virgin blood (not her own, obvs!).

Have a Satanic weekend!

Tonight: Low-Life

That's right, we gave it a name! Come to Low-Life at Rififi this Thursday, January 20, for an evening of music, drinking, music, drinking, and reckless abandon.

Once again, the supreme cream-in-your-jeans DJ team of Bacardi & Cola rocks you with the best in britpop, indie, punk, electro, '80s, mopey English bands, etc. And DJ J.Lu spins '80s-inspired breaks and more.

As always, the fun begins promptly at 10:30-ish and continues until someone gets hurt. Hope to see you there.
**Remember: At Low-Life, Thursday is the new Friday.**

RIFIFI/Cinema Classics
332 E. 11th St. between First and Second aves.
Admission is FREE
(although a mere $5 gets you into the Starshine Burlesque show at 10:00)

[The management offers sincere apologies to New Order. I promise we'll steal better flyer art in the near future.]

Hoff II: The Revenge

TRY TO LOOK AWAY! You cannot escape the animal sexuality of The Hoff.

How screwed-up is the child welfare system in this country? Well, some genius has given Courtney Love her daughter back. Jesus Christ! Who would make an ideal mother? Oh I know! A brain-fried, pill-popping nutjob who just might be the national poster-girl for recidivism. Can you say "Mommy can't play with you now because she's late for a court date?" Can we even conceive of how messed up this poor kid is gonna be? Seriously, I love our democracy and I have faith in the principles behind our legal system, but how many chances do you get to whip out your tits in a Burger King, pummel someone with a mike stand, fake a miscarriage, and pass out O.D.ed on some poor fucker's lawn before the welfare of your child gets factored into the equation?

To paraphrase America's finest actor, "You need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car—hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a [parent]."

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

First off, warm hugs and wet kisses to everyone who came out to Rififi last night to catch Bacardi & Cola and J. Lu on thee wheels o' steel. The place was packed with freindly faces and the bitches were practically throwing their panties at MTC/Bacardi because he kept dropping 80s-bombs. Due to the great turn-out and the happy bartender, we will be doing it again next week. Looks like we're on our way to an official residency.

SUNDAY NIGHT America's favorite female-fronted Devo cover band, DEVA, is playing a show. DEVA goes on at 10:00, but you might want to catch the opener. At 9:00, the also female-fronted Baby Maiden will cover Iron Maiden's The Number of the Beast album in its entirety. The fun is at Crash Mansion (in the basement), 199 Bowery at Spring. Admission is only $8. It's a 21+ show (thank christ!).

March is looking like one of the hottest music months in recent memory. The release schedules are cookin' with gas. Let's take a look at some of the stuff that's supposed to celebrate the arrival of spring, shall we?

British Sea Power A 10 on the anticipation scale.
Fischerspooner An 8 on the scale, because wanting them to fail miserably still counts as being interested.
Queens of the Stone Age Um... 5?
New Order I want to be more excited about this than I am. Let's face it, they haven't made any good new music since I was in high school.
Doves Another 10.
Bloc Party A goddamn 11!
The Mars Volta They have big hair. I do not care.
Moby He has no hair. I want to... punch him right there?
Daft Punk Okay... I admit it... 9.
Billy Idol Mwaaahaahaa!!! Oh man that's hilarious.
Beck Who even knows what this dude is capable of at this point? This gets a 10 just because I want to see whether this is his death metal album or his polka album.
The Bravery Fun. Chicks dig. 9.
Weezer It's all been downhill since Pinkerton. 6.
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club 7.
Nine Inch Nails Does curiosity count as anticipation? I guess it did for Beck, but I really like Beck's last two albums. Trent Reznor is just so... over. I dunno... 7?

Nazi Punks Fuck Off

Okay, RAD!! Thanks to TSpinks for alerting everyone to Prince Harry's monumental (goose-)misstep! The third in line for the British throne wore a Nazi desert costume, complete with swastika armband, to a fancy dress party. (FYI, "fancy dress" is Queen's English for "costume.") The ginger-haired young scion must've smoked a bit o' crack after his third pint. The best part? It's a mere two weeks until a British delegation is set to attend ceremonies in Auschwitz to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the infamous death camp's liberation. Nice timing, my liege! So is Harry a gobbing young punker of the old school? A rising star in the exciting world of Neo-Fascism? A Dadaist? A fucking idiot? Wait and see.

The management urges all to attend See Something/Say Something, an upcoming group show at LeffertsSpace in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn. The opening reception is January 22 at 8:00. Good friend and excellent artist Alexandra Olson is among the 30 New York artists featured. It should be a great opportunity to check out some new talent, have a cup of bad white wine, and even buy some art.

Okay, I don't usually talk about work here, but this is just too cool. I've been asked to review a Morrissey biography for Publishers Weekly. Actually, I have done a lot of reviews for them, but this is only the second music-related book. The last one, a truly by-the-numbers Psychedelic Furs bio, was among the most boring things I've ever read. The same can't possibly be true this time. How can The Moz be boring??

5,000 Hits! Big Fucking Deal!

As dubious achievements go, reaching 5,000 hits a full seven months after you lauch a site is a doozy. Frankly, the management would rather be hosting ads, selling t-shirts, and quitting day jobs at this point. Beggars, however, can't be choosers. So thanks for reading. Besides, if I were a 14-year-old anime fanatic, this would be a big deal and all my freinds would be making congratulatory pornographic manga.

Perhaps this mind-blowing image of a black hole rending a star in twain will help provide a bit of perspective. Thanks to Robb for sending this along and making it easier to feel hopelessly insignificant.

Clay Aiken, master of all evil in the world, continues to use magazines in order to warp reality to serve his own twisted agenda. (My, what a lot of "to" infinitives!!) First, he wore a "WWJD" bracelet on the cover of Rolling Stone. Now, he's refusing to even talk to gay and lesbian publications. Just keep telling yourself it's because you're a Christian, Clay. You're not fooling anyone.

P.S. Don't forget to come drink and listen to good music tomorrow night at Rififi. See previous post for deets.

Come to Rififi This Thursday or The Hoff Will Eat These Puppies.

That's right. These cute, cuddly puppies will perish in the gaping maw of German singing sensation David Hasselhoff if you don't show up for the first installment of Bacardi & Cola's new night. It's at 332 E. 11th St. between First and Second aves. in the East Village. We begin 10:00-ish. It's a nice bar and we will provide a loosey-goosey soundtrack of britpop, punk, '80s, mopey English bands, etc. Show how much you love puppies.

Speaking of hott Bacardi & Cola action, Sunday's tsunami benefit was a huge success. After matching funds provided by BMG, the organizers managed to raise some $8,000 for AmeriCares relief efforts. Also, we played a good set and the crowd was friendly and very awesome. Also also, there was free, endless Carlsberg on tap... so I became deeply, profoundly inebriated. Thanks to those of you who made the long journey to Queens. Special thanks to God, for giving us the good judgement to not play "Wave of Mutilation."

And now the news: As TSpinks called to tell us the other day, celebrity juggernaut Brennifer has died. The question is, if Brad and Jennifer can't make it work, is there hope for any of us? The tabloids claim that Brad had a dalliance with horrid bitch-goddess Angelina Jolie, but after seeing her bare celebrity boobies (and bad acting) in the abysmal Taking Lives, the management cannot endorse these ridiculous theories. Jennifer's celebrity boobies are far superior, and celebrity husbands rarely trade down. Sometimes they'll take a chance on a young, athletic rookie who can play a variety of positions, but they don't pick up aging veterans with limited upside and declining skills.



Oh, one last thing: you should really run out and get Futureheads tickets the second you get a chance. If you fail to do so, the management will instruct The Hoff to remove his bikini briefs.

**UPDATE: check out the radio spot for Britney's new scent!!! [link via Ultragrrrl]

We Will Not Serve Ninjas

Thanks to Lindsayism for turning me onto The 'Bu, a brilliant satire of the management's fave show, The O.C. As you may have deduced, the 'Bu in question is Malibu... which is basically Los Angeles County's answer to Newport Beach. Anyway, it's friggin' hilarious.

Also funny (and harrowing, but not really) is this hard-hitting look at casual British drug use. You'll never look at a bathrobe the same way again.

Anybody remember Electroclash? Me neither, but musicians-cum-performance-artists-cum-scenesters-cum-mascara-models Fischerspooner do. Apparently they are still fulfilling the requirements of their legendarily inflated record deal by (*gasp*) putting out an album. I'll believe it when I see it.

Bacardi & Cola Hit the Big [small] Time... and Reveal Socially Conscious Tendencies!

This Saturday, Bacardi & Cola will be spinning at the SXSE Tsunami Relief Benefit in Long Island City, Queens. (A full-sized version of this flyer is available here.) Bet you didn't know the management was involved in cheritable causes. That's because nearly 150,000 people dying in high surf transcends your Sally Struthers-esque causes and moves into the realm of simple human responsibility. So please come down, see some bands, hear some tunes, drink many beers, and, hopefully, help save a life or two.

Also, B&C, along with the amazing J-Lu and (I would imagine) a small group of revolving freinds and collaborators, are set to begin a Thursday-night residency at Rififi/Cinema Classics in the East Village, right after the delectable Red Hots Burlesque show. More details to come and something could always throw a monkey in the wrench, but you can at least pencil it in. Remember, Thursday is the new Friday.

**UPDATE: Bacardi & Cola DJ set begins at 4:40 p.m. on Sunday.

From the WTF Files: The Management Has Questionable Taste

So after all that work slaving over a hot top-ten list, the management's iPod goes all Occam's Razor and slashes my pretentions to bits. (Yes, I know that's a questionable application of Occam's Razor.) After reading Ultragrrrl's post on her top-20-most-listened-to iPod list, I decided to check my own. Lo and behold, I am apparently a wimpy gay teen with fair-to-middling taste. Let's take a look, shall we:

"Such Great Heights" - Postal Service
"Planet Earth" - Duran Duran
"Brecon Beacons" - Supergrass
"Date With The Night" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
"Girls And Boys" - Blur
"The View" - Modest Mouse
"The Magnificent Seven" - The Clash
"This Is Radio Clash" - The Clash
"Float On" - Modest Mouse
"Future Shock" - Curtis Mayfield
"The Dark Of The Matinée" - Franz Ferdinand
"Strobe Light" - The B-52's
"Take Me Out" - Franz Ferdinand
"Alec Eiffel" - Pixies
"Miss You" - The Rolling Stones
"Damaged Goods" - Gang of Four
"Fashion" - David Bowie
"Any Day Now" - Elbow
"Obstacle 1" - Interpol
"David Watts" - The Jam

Now, let's get some shit straight. There is no way that "Planet Earth" is the second-most frequently played song! "Fashion" is one of my least-favorite Bowie songs! "Queen Bitch" and "Moonage Daydream" get way more spin. Other problems: The Walkmen's "The Rat" isn't up there. I listen to that song more than any other. Also, "For Tomorrow," "He Thought of Cars," and "Beetlebum" all get played more than "Girls and Boys." Finally, although I wish I could claim otherwise, I've listened to that Curtis Mayfield track, like, twice.

Conclusion: The iPod sits on a throne of lies. There is some consolation, however. My "Recently Played" list has some major redemptive value. Check it out:

"Tonight" - Iggy Pop
"And It Stoned Me" - Van Morrison
"The Rat" - The Walkmen
"Morning Bell" - Radiohead
"Gone To Earth" - American Analog Set
"Do What You Want" - Bad Religion
"Girl" - The Beatles
"Queen Bitch" - David Bowie
"Untitled" - Interpol
"Biological " - AIR
"God Only Knows" - Beach Boys
"Boys Better" - The Dandy Warhols
"Mega C" - Fischerspooner
"One Big Holiday" - My Morning Jacket
"What's In It For Me" - The Walkmen
"Our Way To Fall" - Yo La Tengo
"I Dont Blame You" - Cat Power
"Ashes To Ashes" - David Bowie
"Listen, The Snow Is Falling" - Galaxie 500
"Get 'Em High" (Ratatat remix) - Kanye West

Okay, I feel cool again. Whew!

Breast Wishes for 2005

The Management would like to wish each and every one of you a happy 2005. And what better way to ring in the new year than with nubile celebrity boobies? Two - count 'em - two famous young lasses have ushered in 2005 with some gossip-worthy chestal action, and the management is happy to post images... at least, until my photo host deletes them or I get sued.

The first (and decidedly more chaste) heroine of the day is Scarlett Johansson, in a scene from the upcoming John-Travolta-with-grey-hair vehicle A Love Song for Bobby Long.


[via stereogum]

The second (and decidedly more entertaining) heroine of the day is none other than Mary Jane Parker (AKA Kirstin Dunst), who was the victim of a major vacation-swim nip-slip.


[via defamer]

And no, this will not be a new recurring feature of *bitter defeat*... unless it's really popular, in which case it definitely will.